Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Calm After The Storm


"When one door closes...another will open"...dat's wat they say right?..mmmm...how about if i have to wait forever for that door to open....or wat if i can't seem to find the right key?
Even with my somewhat cynical way of thinking...i love the little mysteries of life, the little less planned things u might say. Sometimes we spend a whole lifetime thinking we can't do some things...that maybe we are not strong enough. I was no different and i am not ashamed to admit that i was once crippled by my own fear of the unknown. But I have come to find out that there is a strength deep within me...a strength far greater then anything i have ever experienced and i was only restrained by my own self inflicted limitations.
It all started a couple of days ago, when i woke up feeling like i had to "take care of some unfinished business". Even if my friends and sisters hadn't noticed....i had ceased being myself as of late. I knew what i had to do...i just didn't know how to go about doing it....i paced back and forth the four corners of my room and could almost feel the walls closing in on me. I had let this thing go on for too long.... i had once hoped that maybe by some divine intervention...i could get away with this charade. As i picked up my phone to make the call...i heard the familiar voice on the other end(must have been trying to call me too). With a strength i never knew i possessed ....i let my heart speak..not afraid of the consequences. Its amazing how much you can get accomplished when you don't have the person right in front of you...when u don't have to look them in the eye. The silence on the other end of the line was hard to ignore...but i kept going, and the more i said...the more i felt i had to say. I LET IT RIP!. My heart was beating fast and i found it hard to breath. I felt the tears well up in my eyes...but i refused to let them fall. Still the silence remained...... FINALLY!... a response..."is that wat u really want?"..."i never meant for it to be this way ..u know".
HA! I knew that was coming...finally something i had planned for!...I simply replied "I know...nobody ever does, but i have never been more sure of anything else in my entire life". I hung up feeling betrayed by life...despising the cards i had been dealt, i knew the odds had been stacked against me right from the start...but i never imagined it would all end this way. It was done...dat was it...or was it?. I stared....stared right thru my cream walls for wat seemed like hours on end and i then felt my tears fall. It was all a blur...almost like i had dreamt it all up, but i knew this was all real. Stupidity they say has a price...and i had just paid a hefty penny for mine. No matter wat i did, i couldn't stop the tears from falling and in any case....why would i want to?. My heart felt heavier than my now swollen eyes....i reached for my phone...maybe it wasn't too late to take back all that i had said, but my pride wouldn't let me make of fool of it. For hours i just cried....clutching my pillow close to my heart, hoping in some way it could take my pain away...fill up the emptiness i felt inside. And then it dawned on me!.... this was afterall wat i had hoped for. Even amidst my unhappiness i found a reason to smile. For the first time in a long time...I allowed "ME" to smile....I could taste the salty residue of my now dried up tears, it didn't matter.... i knew it was all going to be ok.
I had let my fear of crying stop me from "letting go"...and now that i had done both....i felt both relieved and free!. With all the strength i could muster..i dragged myself off my bed and took a walk.
A walk away from my fears..from my insecurities..from my pain. I just walked.....

Friday, September 08, 2006

Turning over a new...Bee

Ok!!! So I've been found out! I never thought anyone could see right thru me but I was proven wrong once again. Got talking with a friend of mine yesterday after making one of my late night calls to him and he went ahead to call me out on a couple of my previous blogs. It seems he had been reading my "boy-bashing" stories and proceeded to conclude that I might be a little bitter about how my previous relationships ended.
Ok!...In my defense..I can honestly say I had no idea I came off as being a little harsh on guys. I just figured I was telling the truth and apparently the truth can be a little hard to swallow. I was soo taken aback by what he said that I actually let him finish a whole sentence without interrupting. And he basically tears into my perception of the perfect man and how elusive that is. Now I won't claim to know love and all the comfort it provides.....blah blah blah, cos I havn't really been in that many satisfying relationships anyway, but I did't figure anyone would call me "bitter" just because I am not a "man-lover" right now, angry..maybe..but bitter?.mmm I don't know about that. My friend went on to tell me that if I held on to such ideas...then I will only be setting myself up, for wat?..i'ld like to know!!!. AS IF!
Now this is what I don't get......WHY DID HIS WORDS BOTHER ME SOO MUCH???. It's not like I really hated men..right?....right?. I spent about 45mins of my life trying to convince him...but even more so..MYSELF!, that I really didn't hate guys that much. It is true that our experiences shape our ideals...and that couldn't be closer to the truth in my case. I began asking myself different questions......Have I been soo hurt in the past..that I proceed to take it out on every other guy I meet?...... or maybe I just don't understand men as much as I think I do. I kept going on and on about how its really not the way it seems...but I knew he wasn't soo convinced ... can't say I really blame him?, afterall I had a hard time convincing MEEE.
I went to bed feeling like I had let my weakness show....that maybe thru all my facade ..he knew that I longed for something more. I had never let a guy break thru my walls and those that came close ...were shut out in a heartbeat....UNTIL NOW. It was almost like I needed for him to explain to me why I felt the way I did. It seems like I had been soo overwhelmed by my own failed relationships that I had almost let it rule every aspect of my life. Maybe I had even shut out good men for fear that they may actually make me eat my words. My running thoughts were only made worse by my sudden case of insomnia. I thought about every bad relationship my friends had ever been in, and that maybe in some way I had let their experiences dictate mine. The urge to call my friend back and talk things over with him was tempting, but I knew he would think I was crazy for waking him up that early
By morning I was more determined than ever to change my attitude towards men...maybe they weren't really all BAD(some are!!!). Afterall I have met some amazing men in my lifetime (dad and brother included) and in any case my friend tells me if I rule every guy out on the basis of my bad experiences in the male department....I MIGHT BE SINGLE FOR A WHOLE LOT LONGER THAN I ANTICIPATED!!!!....scary thought!!!!. So at the risk of sounding all "brand new"....I might just give the next guy who comes up to me with some cheesy line off the last movie he watched ...A CHANCE!. Its the least I can do ..right?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

What's love gotta do with it.....


I really need to stop hanging with soo many girls...cos my already feminist self is beginning to find a reason to do away with men altogether. My girlfriends and I got talking this past weekend and came the conclusion that "Girls spend wayyyy too much energy on Guys". Common look at it...... Whenever you get 2 or more women together, they always have to review their past relationships and relate it to the present one.
So I got thinking...... how come smart, beautiful women stay single for soo long or get mistreated soo bad by past boyfriends that they dread getting into other relationships? ..... why can't they just walk away from the emotional abuse that men deal out?. I sat down with these women and i was forced to review my own relationships as well.
As much as i'ld hate to say it..... I had soo many things in common with these woman. I have always considered myself strong, and even those times that I felt weak...I never let my friends see it. I have learnt to turn away from prying eyes to cry...for fear that once anyone sees my tears....I might be considered that which I fear!.And when my relationships didn't work.....i'ld smile amidst my tears knowing that I could have done better anyway. Now in my mid-twenties....I had once hoped that i'ld have gotten a hang of this love thing by now, but I find myself no more wiser now than when I first felt my fragile heart break. When it comes to men and "love".....I find myself making the same mistakes. Lately I find myself holding on to things I should have let go of a long time ago....."Why didn't I let him walk the first time he turned his back on me?"..."Why didn't I run the first time I got a glimpse into who he really was?".
As if my mind wasn't already playing tricks on me, I got a call from an old friend very early this morning. She woke me up to talk and I should have known by the sadness ladened in her voice....that the tears were about to follow. She told me of her "on-again off-again" relationship with her boyfriend and how she wasn't aware it was "off-again" until she made the smart move to drive to his house and surprise him with a visit. The man who met her outside as he so kindly ushered her to back to her car..wasn't the same man she had shared her bed with, and she knew that as much as she might not want to face the facts....THE GIRL IN HIS LIVING ROOM HAD ALOT TO DO WITH THAT CHANGE. So she calls me crying....and I let her do just that...CRY, afterall.. how do u comfort someone when u need comforting urself. Over a bottle of Barcadi 151 she had reviewed her relationship and now realized how unhealthy it was in the first place. For a moment I was gonna ask her if she had been reading my mind, cos I had been doing the exact same thing before she called. I let her go to bed with promises that it will all be OK by the time she wakes up....I knew deep down that I had lied to one of my best friends. There is nothing better about running in circles when it comes to love.
So now I am sitting here on a Thursday afternoon thinking about all the men I have put my trust in and how I wanted to wring their necks after they broke it. How can a man tell you he cares for you and in the same breath turn around and hurt you?...MAKES NO DAMN SENSE! I'm surrounded by the idea of "true love", but I can't say I know what it is. So while I won't bother my pretty little head on finding love....I can't promise that I'll ever stop asking questions about love and asking why some people find this four letter word ...when to some other people ...ITS STILL JUST A WORD!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The Real Rat Pack


Damn!.... I feel like I have been holding out for soo long, its been a long while since i last blogged, and with the amount of drama going on in my life, its no wonder I have been having a major case of writer's block. Had a fab weekend though!!!!. It started with me deciding that I liked spending my hard earned money on other people....So I threw a BBQ for my closest friends. Wat do you have when you put a couple of burgers on the grill, some of MD's feistiest girls on a sugar high, and a game of TABOO....together?.......can we say FIREWORKS!. After stuffing our faces with as much meat as man can eat in one day and boy-bashing for a couple of hours, we decided that a good game of TABOO was only appropriate to end the night. As with anything girls are involved in...... the idea sounded alot better than the actual act itself. Picking teams took longer than the actual game itself...and things got pretty personal..pretty deng soon. MY GOSH!...can't we just have a nice, quiet, friendly game...without exhibiting the "always want to be number 1 syndrome?"( me included). As if that wasn't enough.... we decided to hit the club and shed some calories. I should have known when it took forever to find my lucky pants...dat it was gonna a long night. With five crazy girls and no directions in toll, we headed to the club hoping to end the night with a splash..mmm..ORDINARY DROP SEF ..WE NO FIT MAKE. I finally found out wat it feels like to be locked/kicked out of a club.....needless to say that I DON'T LIKE THAT DAMN FEELING. With nothing to do and nowhere to be the next day, we get to the club and I'm all smiles cos I knew wat kinda of conversation I was gonna be having with the dance floor in a couple of minutes..........
45 minutes and a couple of sneezes later......
We are still standing in line to get into this DENG club!. At this point I'm getting irritated and my 4inch high BCBG heels are not co-operating much either. Then I hear the over-sized Mr T looking bouncer tell his friend not to let people in until ...THEY LET 5 PEOPLE OUT!. I can't begin to eplain to you the kind of rage that took over me. These fools expect us to wait indefinitely.....probably only to be let into the club with 30mins to go. WHAT DID WE DO YOU MIGHT ASK?........ we slowing walked away with our heads held up high (only of cos that I walked a little slower than my friends ....cos at this point I couldn't feel my toes inside my shoes.
Less than 8hrs later......
I am awoken with a bad case of "you should have stayed at home to get some sleeeepy......nesss". My "non-alcohol invovled" hang-over....had me feeling like I was being jinxed by the "gods of the clubs". Not learning my lesson.......I decided I hadn't grilled enough for the year, so I whipped out my grill once again. Feeling like Chef Boyo'banke.......... I start the whole process again........
Present day....Present time........
And now I am lacking some serious sleep......I have only had a total of 10hrs of sleep within the last 3 days, and everyone's getting on my back cos I have decided to take random naps at work (didn't know there was a rule against that) but it was all worth it!!!........JUST DON'T ASK ME TO DO THIS AGAIN ANYTIME WITHIN THE NEXT DECADE.

Sleeping with the Enemy

Life really is a puzzle..and to say dat i have tried to put all the pieces together a couple of times would be putting it rather lightly. Things aren't always as they seem and the obvious ....really isn't that OBVIOUS. I have written some people off merely by the sight of them ..only to find out i was a little too hasty in my decision and in the same instance ..i have put my trust in people...only to have it blow up in my face.
I find it hard to trust not only the person beside me, but also MYSELF. Am constantly putting myself on the defense so dat i dont hurt MEE. My shadow has refused to walk beside me and would rather walk one step behind me.. just soo to keep from making my mistakes. The only wall in front of me is the one i have built with my own hands...plastered with old hurts, lost loves and forgotten memories. Pushing hard up against this wall has left me drained physically and emotionally, hitting my fist in a pattern....hoping i can break into this wall..into my own demons. I can hear the chuckles..i can almost make out the unspoken words, although none would be brave enough to confront me...i know my foes have set out to watch me fail. My only weakness is my ability to succeed....My only strength is my ability to succeed. All these thoughts play in my head like a familar movie...I have read the script...i have played the part before...DEJA VU IS A BITCH!...they say.
I have set out NOT to prove anything to myself, but rather to fight the demons dat keep me up at night. My insomnia is not curable with drugs...for i refuse to lay down with my demons.
I don't live by precedents, but rather i live by my own rules. I have set out to leave my cynical thoughts at the door with my uncertainties. Strip myself naked of my negatives and insecurites and set them at the feet of my foes. From now on i will learn to trust my judgment and leave everything else to fate.