The Calm After The Storm

"When one door closes...another will open"...dat's wat they say right?..mmmm...how about if i have to wait forever for that door to open....or wat if i can't seem to find the right key?
Even with my somewhat cynical way of thinking...i love the little mysteries of life, the little less planned things u might say. Sometimes we spend a whole lifetime thinking we can't do some things...that maybe we are not strong enough. I was no different and i am not ashamed to admit that i was once crippled by my own fear of the unknown. But I have come to find out that there is a strength deep within me...a strength far greater then anything i have ever experienced and i was only restrained by my own self inflicted limitations.
It all started a couple of days ago, when i woke up feeling like i had to "take care of some unfinished business". Even if my friends and sisters hadn't noticed....i had ceased being myself as of late. I knew what i had to do...i just didn't know how to go about doing it....i paced back and forth the four corners of my room and could almost feel the walls closing in on me. I had let this thing go on for too long.... i had once hoped that maybe by some divine intervention...i could get away with this charade. As i picked up my phone to make the call...i heard the familiar voice on the other end(must have been trying to call me too). With a strength i never knew i possessed ....i let my heart speak..not afraid of the consequences. Its amazing how much you can get accomplished when you don't have the person right in front of you...when u don't have to look them in the eye. The silence on the other end of the line was hard to ignore...but i kept going, and the more i said...the more i felt i had to say. I LET IT RIP!. My heart was beating fast and i found it hard to breath. I felt the tears well up in my eyes...but i refused to let them fall. Still the silence remained...... FINALLY!... a response..."is that wat u really want?"..."i never meant for it to be this way ..u know".
HA! I knew that was coming...finally something i had planned for!...I simply replied "I know...nobody ever does, but i have never been more sure of anything else in my entire life". I hung up feeling betrayed by life...despising the cards i had been dealt, i knew the odds had been stacked against me right from the start...but i never imagined it would all end this way. It was done...dat was it...or was it?. I stared....stared right thru my cream walls for wat seemed like hours on end and i then felt my tears fall. It was all a blur...almost like i had dreamt it all up, but i knew this was all real. Stupidity they say has a price...and i had just paid a hefty penny for mine. No matter wat i did, i couldn't stop the tears from falling and in any case....why would i want to?. My heart felt heavier than my now swollen eyes....i reached for my phone...maybe it wasn't too late to take back all that i had said, but my pride wouldn't let me make of fool of it. For hours i just cried....clutching my pillow close to my heart, hoping in some way it could take my pain away...fill up the emptiness i felt inside. And then it dawned on me!.... this was afterall wat i had hoped for. Even amidst my unhappiness i found a reason to smile. For the first time in a long time...I allowed "ME" to smile....I could taste the salty residue of my now dried up tears, it didn't matter.... i knew it was all going to be ok.
I had let my fear of crying stop me from "letting go"...and now that i had done both....i felt both relieved and free!. With all the strength i could muster..i dragged myself off my bed and took a walk.
A walk away from my fears..from my insecurities..from my pain. I just walked.....