Why meeeee???!!!

I'm probably going to get crucified for saying what i'm about to say, being that i'm a PK and all..but here goes nothing.... "I don't get church folks!!!". Went to a vigil on friday and anybody who has been to one knows that "all kinds of people" attend a vigil. As my friends and I walked into the big auditorium, i could almost feel different pairs of piecing eyes follow us in....mmm..now that i think about it, it could just have been my bright red polo top that got all the attention, but in any case....i felt like everyone saw us walk in (i wasn't hallucinating either cos i got a call from my friend saying that he had just seen me walk in!!!). I should have known it was going to be a strange night when the lady in the cream pant suit with matching hat, seated in from of me, felt it best to use her cell phone while the first sermon was going on. It bothers me when people have no regards for their surroundings..i mean GOSH!... was it important to carry on a full blown conversation in yoruba with MAMA BUKKY?. I could hear her louder than i could hear the pastor and from the information i gathered from my very appropriate source, it seemed like MAMA BUKKY was lost somewhere in the auditorium. I honestly felt an instant urge to grab the phone and tell MAMA BUKKY where she could find us, so that we could all at least get over this charade of obvious lawlessness and get on with what we came here for. About 20mins had passed before Mama Bukky walked over to where we were seated, at this point i had missed the whole deng sermon and i was flipping madddd!!!. A 250 pound woman walks over to our side and for a quick second i said a silent prayer hoping that this wasn't the MAMA BUKKY she was talking to..well no luck there!!!, because after much hugging and more yoruba.... the woman took a seat right in front of MEEE!!!. For the next hour or so, i was left wondering if her hair stylist had it out for her, i mean ..GOSH!..the woman had at least three colors going on with her hair. As if i wasn't already flirting with anger, the child beside us decides he wasn't getting enough attention from his mum and in turn lets out a scream. Now anybody who knows me well, knows i am not that crazy about "crying kids", so naturally..hearing the high-pitched scream of the child did nothing for my nerves, but rather it just put me over the edge. I turned to look at my friend, hoping she would offer some comforting words, i was only met with her laughing eyes...i knew she obviously found the whole deal very funny, but i was too upset to have her confirm it.
Around 2am, Pastor E.A Adeboye, a man i greatly admire, came on. My eyes had become heavy with sleep, but I was determined to finally go away with something....well MAMA BUKKY had other plans. Halfway thru the sermon, she dabs her VERY heavy arm casually over my thighs, and proceeds to GET COMFORTABLE!!!. ...it took alot for me not to say something to her. With my mind racing in different directions , i considered her weight, her height, her hair style and "The Lady in Cream".....it definitely seemed best not to utter a word...i was afterall outnumbered in more ways than one. For the rest of the night, i was forced to endure the heat her fat arm provided, i could feel the cramps work up in my legs but it was no match for how uncomfortable i felt all over. I knew i hadn't paid for VIP accommodation, but i hadn't put my money on MAMA BUKKY showing up either. By the time the vigil was all over, i couldn't wait to get up....I casually flung her arm aside just as easily as she had put it there and proceeded to give her one of my signature smiles. Feeling the cold morning air hit my face as i stepped outside the double doors of the auditorium, was the most refreshing feeling EVER!
NOW THAT BRINGS ME TO SUNDAY CHURCH FOLKS.....
MMMMM...... I woke up a bit later than expected on sunday, but i was determined to make it to church. I got dressed in 45 mins flat (shortest make over time ever!) and got to church right on time to avoid looking ridiculous. I thought i was seated amongst OK people......well that was before the pastor's sermon hit a nerve with the woman seated to my right. At first i thought she was talking to her husband, but i found out soon enough that she had prepared her own sermon. I MEAN...the woman was going on one tangent i did not understand. At first her periodic spats did not bother me, afterall i was passionate about what the pastor was saying as well.... that was until she started finishing the pastor's sentences. I had two versions of the sermon to deal with...one from the pulpit and the other from "MRS. I KNOW IT ALL". As if i didn't have enough to contend with already...the woman directly in front of me decided to put the SPOOK back in SPOOKY, she kept looking back and darting her eyes back and forth. I was terrified as crap and tried to think of if i had ever heard of any murders committed in church!!!. I couldn't think of any ..so i calculated she wouldn't pick that day to be an exception to the rule. I longingly looked over at my friends seated three rows ahead of me, and thought about how i could have avoided all these if i had only made it to church 20mins earlier.
By the time i finally made it home, i spent all night trying to convince myself that this whole weekend was all just a dream..that it was all a figment on my imaginative mind, i was doing a good job of it until i felt those woman's eyes staring back at me!!!....(even now i shake in despair!).
I have finally thought of how to curb all these holy madness (yes..i know it is an oxymoron).... why does everyone think of a book to write about EVERYTHING, but no one ever thinks of something to write on church folks and their manners. I know it is a very sensitive topic and it might rub some people the wrong way.....but then again, i have never been accused of following the norm. So i am currently working on a new idea...guess what it is?....yes a book!. Haven't figured a title for it...but i am thinking "Etiquette for church folks", U LIKE?

On a side note: Wishing one of my favorite people a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!. He is an amazing person and i love him to death. So this is hoping you have a fabulous twenty(???)...something(lol) birthday K-boy.