Why meeeee???!!!

I'm probably going to get crucified for saying what i'm about to say, being that i'm a PK and all..but here goes nothing.... "I don't get church folks!!!". Went to a vigil on friday and anybody who has been to one knows that "all kinds of people" attend a vigil. As my friends and I walked into the big auditorium, i could almost feel different pairs of piecing eyes follow us in....mmm..now that i think about it, it could just have been my bright red polo top that got all the attention, but in any case....i felt like everyone saw us walk in (i wasn't hallucinating either cos i got a call from my friend saying that he had just seen me walk in!!!). I should have known it was going to be a strange night when the lady in the cream pant suit with matching hat, seated in from of me, felt it best to use her cell phone while the first sermon was going on. It bothers me when people have no regards for their surroundings..i mean GOSH!... was it important to carry on a full blown conversation in yoruba with MAMA BUKKY?. I could hear her louder than i could hear the pastor and from the information i gathered from my very appropriate source, it seemed like MAMA BUKKY was lost somewhere in the auditorium. I honestly felt an instant urge to grab the phone and tell MAMA BUKKY where she could find us, so that we could all at least get over this charade of obvious lawlessness and get on with what we came here for. About 20mins had passed before Mama Bukky walked over to where we were seated, at this point i had missed the whole deng sermon and i was flipping madddd!!!. A 250 pound woman walks over to our side and for a quick second i said a silent prayer hoping that this wasn't the MAMA BUKKY she was talking to..well no luck there!!!, because after much hugging and more yoruba.... the woman took a seat right in front of MEEE!!!. For the next hour or so, i was left wondering if her hair stylist had it out for her, i mean ..GOSH!..the woman had at least three colors going on with her hair. As if i wasn't already flirting with anger, the child beside us decides he wasn't getting enough attention from his mum and in turn lets out a scream. Now anybody who knows me well, knows i am not that crazy about "crying kids", so naturally..hearing the high-pitched scream of the child did nothing for my nerves, but rather it just put me over the edge. I turned to look at my friend, hoping she would offer some comforting words, i was only met with her laughing eyes...i knew she obviously found the whole deal very funny, but i was too upset to have her confirm it.
Around 2am, Pastor E.A Adeboye, a man i greatly admire, came on. My eyes had become heavy with sleep, but I was determined to finally go away with something....well MAMA BUKKY had other plans. Halfway thru the sermon, she dabs her VERY heavy arm casually over my thighs, and proceeds to GET COMFORTABLE!!!. ...it took alot for me not to say something to her. With my mind racing in different directions , i considered her weight, her height, her hair style and "The Lady in Cream".....it definitely seemed best not to utter a word...i was afterall outnumbered in more ways than one. For the rest of the night, i was forced to endure the heat her fat arm provided, i could feel the cramps work up in my legs but it was no match for how uncomfortable i felt all over. I knew i hadn't paid for VIP accommodation, but i hadn't put my money on MAMA BUKKY showing up either. By the time the vigil was all over, i couldn't wait to get up....I casually flung her arm aside just as easily as she had put it there and proceeded to give her one of my signature smiles. Feeling the cold morning air hit my face as i stepped outside the double doors of the auditorium, was the most refreshing feeling EVER!
NOW THAT BRINGS ME TO SUNDAY CHURCH FOLKS.....
MMMMM...... I woke up a bit later than expected on sunday, but i was determined to make it to church. I got dressed in 45 mins flat (shortest make over time ever!) and got to church right on time to avoid looking ridiculous. I thought i was seated amongst OK people......well that was before the pastor's sermon hit a nerve with the woman seated to my right. At first i thought she was talking to her husband, but i found out soon enough that she had prepared her own sermon. I MEAN...the woman was going on one tangent i did not understand. At first her periodic spats did not bother me, afterall i was passionate about what the pastor was saying as well.... that was until she started finishing the pastor's sentences. I had two versions of the sermon to deal with...one from the pulpit and the other from "MRS. I KNOW IT ALL". As if i didn't have enough to contend with already...the woman directly in front of me decided to put the SPOOK back in SPOOKY, she kept looking back and darting her eyes back and forth. I was terrified as crap and tried to think of if i had ever heard of any murders committed in church!!!. I couldn't think of any ..so i calculated she wouldn't pick that day to be an exception to the rule. I longingly looked over at my friends seated three rows ahead of me, and thought about how i could have avoided all these if i had only made it to church 20mins earlier.
By the time i finally made it home, i spent all night trying to convince myself that this whole weekend was all just a dream..that it was all a figment on my imaginative mind, i was doing a good job of it until i felt those woman's eyes staring back at me!!!....(even now i shake in despair!).
I have finally thought of how to curb all these holy madness (yes..i know it is an oxymoron).... why does everyone think of a book to write about EVERYTHING, but no one ever thinks of something to write on church folks and their manners. I know it is a very sensitive topic and it might rub some people the wrong way.....but then again, i have never been accused of following the norm. So i am currently working on a new idea...guess what it is?....yes a book!. Haven't figured a title for it...but i am thinking "Etiquette for church folks", U LIKE?

On a side note: Wishing one of my favorite people a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!. He is an amazing person and i love him to death. So this is hoping you have a fabulous twenty(???)...something(lol) birthday K-boy.

The Love Talk

Why I Am Attracted to People Who Are Bad for Me?
Wednesday. 10/04/2006 at 7:00pm
Happy in your relationship? Single and want to be in a relationship?
Single and happy, dammit? Feel like you're too picky? Or do you tend to want people who are bad for you?
Then you don't want to miss this long-awaited event! Donovan, our guest lecturer from Vaden, will be giving his infamous relationships talk.


Confused?...ok
Let me explain;
So my little Stanford baby called me two days ago, seemed she had seen the above flyer posted near her graduate dorm and wanted to know what i thought of it. OK!!!, first of all she should be glad that i love her soo much, because she had actually woken me up from my beauty sleep to ask for my opinion. In my normal sarcastic tone..i asked her what the hell she wanted me to say (maybe i could just say it and get back to my damn sleep....my boo was waiting!!!). As you might have guessed right, she wanted to know if she fits the bill..HA!...AS IF!..DON'T WE ALL!. So i figured i'll hear her out and see where she was going with this.
My little daryln was worried about "looking bad" if she was caught in such a "place", according to her.... "wouldn't it spell "LOSER" if I have to attend such a talk and in turn review all my past relationships?". LOL! LOL! LOL!..NO KIDDING IT WOULD!, i felt the need to point out the obvious to her, one of which is the fact that SHE HAD NO MAN RIGHT NOW...so how bad could this talk really be in helping her get one?. In reviewing her current "I ain't got no man" status, she was abit worried that guys might begin to think she was desperate and THAT to her was not a way to make an impression in a new school with potential serious money makers. And as if to make matters worse, she was also concerned as to which sorta guys she might meet there...you know...almost like meeting ones husband in a "For Sex Addicts Only" or "Alcoholic Anonymous" meeting. I cringe now at the thought of how the Engagement Night Speech might go...YIKEES!
I let her lay all her concerns down at my feet as i contemplated telling her what she wanted to hear as opposed to what she NEEDED to hear. Well i took the road less traveled..cos i figured if i told her the former, she might be back two days from now with another self-examination, psychoanalysis crap!.
I decided to put her mind at rest by telling her that whatever man she meets at the meeting probably has two things working to his advantage; HE HAS ISSUES (which in any case would mean you are now well aware of his issues and can work around them)OR, HE HAD ISSUES (and he is facing up to them now!!!), either way she really has nothing to lose...right?. Needless to say that i don't think i helped at putting her mind at ease in the least bit. But common now!...on a serious note ..Don't we all at some point in our dysfunctional lives NEED this talk?. I basically told her not to be too concerned about the obvious (which is that they ALL have issues..her included), but to instead see it as another huddle she has to jump in her "I ain't got a man...BUT now i am looking for a good man" stage. We both agreed that it would make her feel alot better if she went for the seminar and then we will have "Our Talk" when she gets back. I said my quick goodnight and tried to get back to Morris Chestnut. Well no luck there...Morris was gone!, but everything else that had just transpired a couple of minutes before..remained.
So now that i couldn't get some sleep, i got thinking about everything my friend had said and it dawned on me that many of us refuse to move on from our current situation because we scared to face our past. I am an advocate for "closing the chapter" on all my bad experiences, but my way of dealing with that is to face the fact that i had those experiences and learn from them. Afterall no one wants to be caught dead living and dining with their demons.
While my friend for some reason had a problem attending the seminar, i would have been the first person in line at the door to get in and when its all over....I WON'T BE KICKED OUT WITHOUT A FIGHT!. Since i seem to talk about relationships soo much and my thoughts on the subject matter are all jumbled up, this would have been a nice outlet to get my questions out without feeling like i am being put under a microscope (what better place to feel at home than amongst other semi-delusional! people).
I remember a time in my life when a trip to the book store meant another self-help book on my shelf, dude!!! i lived the words in those books almost like the state of my heart depended on it (kinda sad i know). Oprah had me feeling like "strong" was the thing to be and when she made the mistake of introducing the book "HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU" written by Greg Behrendt, into her book club, dude! i felt like the author had been watching every episode of my Soap Opera life. For months after reading the book, every time my boyfriend would upset me..i'll go "maybe you are just not that into me", i knew he hated those words but what can i say...Oprah couldn't have been wrong!..right?.
Its amazing what a couple of words in a book can do to you! and if my friend isn't soo damn stubborn.., maybe she'll find out what amazing effects a seminar like this can have on one's self-esteem.
If all relationships were soo perfect, then why do people still seek perfection in their relationships, or if the man was "all wrong for you" then why get soo bitter when he decides to walk?.
A male friend of mine once felt brave enough to ask me why i choose to date "bad boys".... i was irritated that he'ld think i liked, maybe even craved men that are bad for me...but then again i couldn't prove him wrong because my precedent spoke volumes in of itself. I still don't have an answer to his question.... although i can't be too sure he doesn't have his own rationalization of what he assumed was my situation
So have you ever thought of why ur relationships never seemed to take off?..or why your present boyfriend seems to be no different from ur last?..or even worse...WHY YOU KEEP FALLING FOR MEN THAT ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOU?.MMMMMM...well I'm sorry i can't help you there...but it seems like this Donovan dude has all the answers.

P.S: I will keep you guys updated on how the seminar went.